A discussion with a friend highlighted our differences of opinion on the subject of jealousy. I was bemoaning the fact that her friend, a guy I am positive I could get along with, never responds to anything I write to him because he’s not pleased that I make comments on his wife’s Flickr. She was asserting that his jealousy was a good thing. She was thrilled that her own sense of jealousy had returned, long after the end of an unhealthy relationship.
This left me aghast. To me, jealousy is a worthless and destructive emotion, something to be gotten under control, like the desire to cause violence or revenge.
Here are the pros the way I understand them:
1) It shows you care.
This is a popular interpretation I’ve heard before, exclusively from women. There are much more worthwhile and positive ways to show you care, like changing some disagreeable aspect of your lifestyle to make her happy. I know — it’s easier to get angry about things. But relationships require effort and commitment.
2) You can defend your wife against would-be seducers or other threats to your relationship.
This one is just silly. Seduction is the art of getting ill-advised consent. If you feel that your wife is in danger of giving consent to an outside party, your beef needs to be with your wife, not the seducer. Similarly, if there are external threats to your relationship, your relationship needs to be fortified from within.
I actually think that’s it for the pros. Now the cons:
1) Interferes with judgment.
Jealousy invariably obscures the truth of any given situation.
2) It can put a premature end to what could be a rewarding friendship.
Stop wasting time giving me the stinkeye; I’m no threat and maybe we have some rewarding commonalities.
3) Jealousy is a euphemism for insecurity.
Jealousy is a threat response and consists of a combination of insecurity and anger, two emotions that many people pay good money to manage, for good reason.
4) Jealousy is always pointed in the wrong direction.
Merely a variation on these other axioms is the assertion that jealousy always points to an external threat when the actual problem or potential problem lies within the relationship. This applies to all kinds of threats — people as well as other attention-suckers like work or hobbies. If the relationship is so rewarding that your significant other is willing to risk reprisals at work or slow progress in some other activity in order to be with you, then it’s pretty much like when you were first dating! So don’t get upset at the work, the hobby or the pretty secretary who spends too much time with your S.O. — work to figure out what would make your S.O. more interested in being with you.
5) It is a tremendous waste of energy.
All that fear, anger, suspicion — all the conflicts it causes, and stupid fights: “What are you so upset about, he’s just a friend!” — these are an exhausting burden to live under, and poisonous to the people around you. The damage it can cause when you get it wrong — good relationships get torn up by groundless suspicion all the time.
Here’s the bottom line: If you’re secure in your relationship there is no need for jealousy. If you’re insecure in your relationship you need to work to fortify it. In either of these cases any jealousy is always misdirected and needs to be controlled like any other ugly, base instinct.
OK, comment away.
3 Users Responded In This Post
Yes and no.
Jealousy is the irrational expression of a rational realization of the loss of control one has when one opens up in a relationship. It’s not in and of itself good, but the underlying realizations can lead to positive moves once the irrational is surmounted.
It’s akin to religion-based xenophobia. We take relationships on faith, just as we do our spiritual belief, so when a new and conflicting idea/really hot cutie wanders into the equation our faith, be it in some superior power, in a transcendental oversoul or in our companion’s unwillingness to crush our heart like a grape under a combat boot, is tested. And really, we don’t know what will happen. We believe, but we don’t know, and even when one is pretty damn sure about things that’s not comfortable. (I say this as one of little faith and massive control issues…thanks, Dad.)
Just like religion, one can deal with it a number of ways. People of rock solid faith don’t see the threat of the hottie/competing belief system, and are seemingly beyond jealousy/religious anxiety. In actuality they merely lack the imagination to be worried. Many people see the threat of the hottie/competing belief system, feel the jealousy/religious anxiety, and freak out. And that would be a significant portion of Reagan/Bush/McCain voters. Islamophobes, homophobes, and the jerks who forbid their spouses from hanging out with anyone perceived as a threat. I’d like to think I’m beyond that, but I feel the twinge every once and a while. I remind myself the only thing I can do is be a damn good husband and partner for my wife, and maybe I’ll buy her flowers just for the hell of it.
Like religious faith, a relationship devoid of threat is empty. If there is no doubt, faith is a meaningless gesture. It’s knowledge, and mere science. If there’s no doubt in a relationship…well, you’re living with a blow-up doll, not a partner, and why value that?
I’m just rambling here. If any of this makes sense it’s a random concurrence of organic matter and not the product of a higher consciousness.
HEAR!HEAR! I whole-heartedly agree. I have been blessed to have been in a long lasting relationship in which there has been a great amount of trust and virtually no jealousy. I feel that if you have trust in your s.o. that they will not stray, no amount of flirtation on another’s part should cause harm to your relationship. In a sense, if they truly love you they will not stray. If they do stray, the relationship was doomed to begin with.
I’m sorry I offended you. I actually didn’t mean to imply that you were foolishly revealing your address at all — quite the opposite! I was using you as an example of someone who is consciously tagging — aware and in control of what she’s revealing — in order to contrast you against someone who is unwittingly geotagging their photos with the witless precision of an electronic device.
In short, it’s exactly because you’re smart and in control (and that they’re self-portraits, not landscapes) that I used your photos as an example. Besides, I like your self-portraits.
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